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Proverbs 16:3

After two weeks of anxiously waiting for an interview and a decision, I am happy to report to you all, that I received a full time position at my job.  Hoorah for health bennys and being able to afford school! All I can say, is Thank you Lord.

From the time I turned 15 I  was intensely aware of the presence of God in my life.  Looking back now, he was there even before I was aware of him.
Even though I went to church almost my whole life, I went through a phase in my early teens that turned my world upside down.  I made some horrendous choices, and hurt a lot of people in the process. At that time,  I almost unknowingly turned my back on God and began seeking out a different path, looking into paganism and the ways of the Native Americans.
Nothing Held.
I continued to make choices that went against the grain of my entire being, some making me physically ill, I tanked in school, and battled depression in unhealthy ways.

And then Molly entered the scene.  Things started changing.  On evening trail rides with new friends, I would watch the sun set behind the mountains and paint the sky, and see the changes in nature up close and personal and it stirred something in my weary soul.  So began the fledgling feelings of peace and knowing God did indeed, exist.  (Not something I ever doubted, just something that felt too far away to grasp.)

A summer went by with Molly and friends, and a boy who changed my way of viewing life with his beautiful soul. We broke up, but stayed friends.  And then he died.

Nothing has rocked my world more than that.  It didn’t take long for me to stop going to school because I had to get away from his name on everyone’s lips. I found my peace on the back of my horse, but things slowly spiraled.  Those seven stages of grief are a bitch.

I met someone else.  Enter Pot. Enter Sex. Enter Booze. Enter bad, bad, bad, bad choices. Those choices carried me through the rest of high school and into my first two years of college.
Yet looking back, I wouldn’t change much.. Believe it or not I can see the hand of God in all of it.  He let me make my choices, and run from him, but he knew I’d always come back when things got more than I could handle, and they often did.

He has always guided my path.

And now I’m in an amazing place in my life.  I’ve got a loving family (Who has always been on my side through all my stupidity), An amazingly supportive Boyfriend who I love soo much, and a job that I truly do enjoy that will carry me through school and maybe beyond, who knows.  God knows.  and I trust him.

Art Raven the-crane-wife

Oh, and Austin is still in my life, my guardian angel, still with all of us who loved him.
There were many.

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I had a dream last night that brought me back to the last four years of my life, all entwined with one person who was the center point of my dream & with other friends and acquaintances from the past throughout it.  It’s so crazy that I was such an entirely different person. 
In my dream I was back with this person, and in my sub-conscience mind I’m going “WHOA hold up, don’t ruin this amazing relationship you have going with your amazing man! Don’t go backwards!” But my dream-self is of course not listening. 
Do you ever have those crazily vivid dreams that feel like reality? This one was like that, felt just like it did back then, so much so that I woke up in a panic, thinking I’d just gone and ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had. 
When reality hit me and I realized I had only  been dreaming, I was just Flooded with relief.    It was an extremely hard and painful decision to say good-bye and remove this person from my life, but I knew that if I didn’t, this relationship or any others, would never work.
It was the best choice I ever made. 
I am happier now than I have been in many, many years. Probably since I was a little kid when my biggest problem was 2+2.
Everything has fallen into its place, my heart is full with love for not just my amazing man, but for my family and friends as well for I’ve found my true friends, and my true passion and calling in life, to work with the animals I love so very much.   I am not the angsty, angry, violent, emotional wreck of a person that I used to be.
Of course I’ll still have obstacles, but at least I know who I am and I have these amazing people on my side.

So thank you to this person, for teaching me so many things, most importantly that I didn’t want to be somebody’s ‘Option”, and to this dream, for reminding me how blessed I am, to have left the past behind in favor of something so much better.

wow.

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